From Tears to Trust

Supporting Separation Anxiety in Autistic Toddlers with Security, Structure, and Sensitivity

The Big Picture

Separation anxiety is not a sign of failure. It’s a normal part of development—and an invitation to build trust. That said, it’s always worth pausing when your gut says something feels off.

First, A Note on Safety: You’ve Done Your Homework

When separation is hard, it doesn’t always mean something is wrong with the therapy space. But sometimes it does. If the environment doesn’t feel emotionally safe, attuned, or welcoming for your child—or if you don’t feel respected or included as a parent—those red flags matter. Distress is information. Trust your instincts.

That said, if you feel confident that your child’s therapy space is supportive, and you have a trusting relationship with their provider, this guide can help bridge the transition from distress to confidence, and from clinging to courage.

A Blended Approach: ABA Meets the Circle of Security

This guide combines the structured, evidence-based tools of Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA) with the emotional depth and relational wisdom of Circle of Security (COS).

Where ABA provides clear, step-by-step support for building routines, reducing distress, and shaping behavior through positive reinforcement, COS brings an attachment-based lens—reminding us that behavior is communication, and safety is the foundation for growth.

Together, they offer a compassionate, practical framework:
• From ABA, we draw clarity, consistency, and reinforcement.
• From COS, we bring empathy, presence, and the invitation to co-regulate.
This isn’t behaviorism versus attachment—it’s both. It’s structure with softness. Expectations with attunement.

Step 1: Prepare with Predictability & Emotional Connection

COS Focus: Being Bigger, Stronger, Wiser, and Kind — Creating felt safety before the separation begins
ABA Focus: Antecedent planning — setting the stage for success through routines and clarity

When your child knows what to expect, they don’t need to brace. Rituals and rhythms create a soft landing long before goodbye is spoken.

Attachment-Based Supports
• Use the same sequence of events before each drop-off
• Normalize emotions: “Sometimes it’s hard to say goodbye. That’s okay.”
• Stay confident: “You can do hard things, and I will come back.”

Behavioral Supports
• Visual schedule with real photos (car, therapist, you, home)
• Simple goodbye ritual (hug + high-five + wave, or goodbye song)
• Short paired actions: “Shoes on” (hand over shoes), “Go car” (pat seat)

Script: (Pointing to visual schedule) “Drive. Therapy. Mama comes back. Snack.” (Use returning gesture)

Step 2: Support the Separation with a Gradual, Grounded Release

COS Focus: You are the secure base — Staying near while your child explores, then gently stepping away
ABA Focus: Systematic desensitization and shaping — gently fading support and reinforcing independence

You don’t push your child to separate—you invite them. You remain nearby, steady and kind, as they stretch into courage.

Attachment-Based Supports
• Sit nearby and stay regulated
• Offer nonverbal reassurance (warm posture, eye contact)
• Use photos or comfort objects to signal safety

Behavioral Supports
• Model parallel play with the therapist
• Use soft, familiar cues: “You’re safe. I’m close.”
• Gradual fading progression:
1. Stay in the room (5 min)
2. Move to the door
3. Step out briefly
4. Complete the ritual and leave

Script: (Kneeling beside, pointing to therapist) “Play… I’m here.” (Later) “Now you stay. Mama comes back.”

Step 3: Affirm Brave Steps & Build Internal Safety

COS Focus: Delighting in your child’s exploration — Reflecting back safety and joy
ABA Focus: Reinforcing desired behavior with social connection — catching the good and making it meaningful

When children sense your delight, they begin to feel safe within themselves. Confidence grows when it’s mirrored in your presence.

Attachment-Based Supports
• Smile, high-five, thumbs-up
• Hand to heart or open arms to acknowledge bravery

Behavioral Supports
• Visual praise: “You did it!” card or token
• Celebrate small wins: reaching for a toy, calm body, shared play
• Use preferred activity as reinforcement: “You stayed—now bubbles!”

Script: (Soft tone, eye contact) “You played. So brave. I saw that.”

Step 4: Respond to Distress with Calm, Clear Leadership

COS Focus: Meeting your child at the bottom of the circle — Co-regulation without rescuing or collapsing
ABA Focus: Responding to challenging behavior with clarity and redirection — avoiding reinforcement of avoidance

Distress isn’t a problem to fix—it’s a signal to remain grounded. You offer calm, clear leadership that says, “I’ve got you.”

Attachment-Based Supports
• Gentle gesture for “sad” (hand to heart), soft nod to say “I see”
• Never sneak out—say goodbye with calm finality
• Be brief, steady, and kind

Behavioral Supports
• If clinging, gently support their body and redirect: “I see it’s hard. Here’s your puzzle. I’ll be back soon.”
• Offer an object or gesture to shift attention: “Look, the blocks are ready.”
• Keep verbal input minimal and calm

Script: (Warm tone, eye-level contact) “You’re sad. Mama goes. You play. I come back.”

Step 5: Reconnect to Solidify the Secure Base

COS Focus: Returning to the top of the circle — Reunion that repairs and reassures
ABA Focus: Generalization and maintenance — reinforcing independence over time

This is the heart of secure attachment: the return. You send the message: “I left. I came back. You were okay. I’m here again.”

Attachment-Based Supports
• Be calm and consistent when reuniting
• Follow your child’s lead for how close or playful to be

Behavioral Supports
• Affirm their efforts: “You stayed. You played. That was brave.”
• Offer a soft reward (hug, sticker, favorite song)
• Practice short separations in other safe settings

Script: (Gentle smile or hug) “See? Mama came back. Just like I said. You did it.”

Final Thought

This isn’t about perfect parenting. It’s about showing up—again and again—with clarity, kindness, and calm. When you become your child’s secure base, even the hardest goodbyes can lead to deeper trust.

By integrating the science of ABA with the heart of COS, you offer your child the best of both worlds: structure that feels safe, and safety that builds strength.